Welcome to Hell
ETERNITY O'CLOCK
Welcome to Hell
ETERNITY O'CLOCK
A sign reads: “Because exclusion is Heaven’s thing.”
INT. HELL, FRONT DESK
You don’t walk into Hell. You glide. The ramps are lava, but they’re up to code. The elevators descend forever, and they announce every floor in three languages. Want to get stabbed by a specific pitchfork? There’s Braille and visual descriptions of all kinds. And the signage? God-tier kerning.
“Welcome to Hell,” says the DEMON at the reception, smiling with exactly 102 ½ teeth.
His name tag reads:
CHAD
(he/him/eternally damned)
Wearing flayed skin gloves for American Sign Language, he slides over a clipboard in 72-point font with braille between lines.
CHAD
Any dietary restrictions before we begin?
You stammer.
CHAD (nodding)
No worries. We do suffering your way.
Behind you, someone in a golden mobility scooter involuntarily does donuts on flaming coals. Another guest sobs quietly under a perfectly lit ring light, recording TikToks about their tailored punishment package.
“Hashtag EqualAgony,” they whimper.
The flames don’t discriminate. Every asshole gets equal roasting. The torture chamber has scent-neutral rooms, multi-language support, including emoji-only mode, and standard-issue weighted blankets, calibrated to your trauma history.
Satan believes in inclusive pain.
You turn to Chad.
YOU
But… isn’t Hell supposed to be like hell?
CHAD (grinning)
Exactly. And what’s more fucked up than finally having all your access needs met… only to realize upstairs could’ve done this all along?
The doors to Eternal Damnation open automatically.
A gentle chime plays.
It’s the Windows XP shutdown sound. A Jehovah’s Witness American Sign Language interpreter signs “Ding.” with holy indifference.
CHAD
Right this way.
Your torment is ready.
And yes, the captions are on.
Welcome to Hell
ETERNITY O'CLOCK
A sign reads: “Because exclusion is Heaven’s thing.”
INT. HELL, FRONT DESK
You don’t walk into Hell. You glide. The ramps are lava, but they’re up to code. The elevators descend forever, and they announce every floor in three languages. Want to get stabbed by a specific pitchfork? There’s Braille and visual descriptions of all kinds. And the signage? God-tier kerning.
“Welcome to Hell,” says the DEMON at the reception, smiling with exactly 102 ½ teeth.
His name tag reads:
CHAD
(he/him/eternally damned)
Wearing flayed skin gloves for American Sign Language, he slides over a clipboard in 72-point font with braille between lines.
CHAD
Any dietary restrictions before we begin?
You stammer.
CHAD (nodding)
No worries. We do suffering your way.
Behind you, someone in a golden mobility scooter involuntarily does donuts on flaming coals. Another guest sobs quietly under a perfectly lit ring light, recording TikToks about their tailored punishment package.
“Hashtag EqualAgony,” they whimper.
The flames don’t discriminate. Every asshole gets equal roasting. The torture chamber has scent-neutral rooms, multi-language support, including emoji-only mode, and standard-issue weighted blankets, calibrated to your trauma history.
Satan believes in inclusive pain.
You turn to Chad.
YOU
But… isn’t Hell supposed to be like hell?
CHAD (grinning)
Exactly. And what’s more fucked up than finally having all your access needs met… only to realize upstairs could’ve done this all along?
The doors to Eternal Damnation open automatically.
A gentle chime plays.
It’s the Windows XP shutdown sound. A Jehovah’s Witness American Sign Language interpreter signs “Ding.” with holy indifference.
CHAD
Right this way.
Your torment is ready.
And yes, the captions are on.
Welcome to Hell
ETERNITY O'CLOCK
A sign reads: “Because exclusion is Heaven’s thing.”
INT. HELL, FRONT DESK
You don’t walk into Hell. You glide. The ramps are lava, but they’re up to code. The elevators descend forever, and they announce every floor in three languages. Want to get stabbed by a specific pitchfork? There’s Braille and visual descriptions of all kinds. And the signage? God-tier kerning.
“Welcome to Hell,” says the DEMON at the reception, smiling with exactly 102 ½ teeth.
His name tag reads:
CHAD
(he/him/eternally damned)
Wearing flayed skin gloves for American Sign Language, he slides over a clipboard in 72-point font with braille between lines.
CHAD
Any dietary restrictions before we begin?
You stammer.
CHAD (nodding)
No worries. We do suffering your way.
Behind you, someone in a golden mobility scooter involuntarily does donuts on flaming coals. Another guest sobs quietly under a perfectly lit ring light, recording TikToks about their tailored punishment package.
“Hashtag EqualAgony,” they whimper.
The flames don’t discriminate. Every asshole gets equal roasting. The torture chamber has scent-neutral rooms, multi-language support, including emoji-only mode, and standard-issue weighted blankets, calibrated to your trauma history.
Satan believes in inclusive pain.
You turn to Chad.
YOU
But… isn’t Hell supposed to be like hell?
CHAD (grinning)
Exactly. And what’s more fucked up than finally having all your access needs met… only to realize upstairs could’ve done this all along?
The doors to Eternal Damnation open automatically.
A gentle chime plays.
It’s the Windows XP shutdown sound. A Jehovah’s Witness American Sign Language interpreter signs “Ding.” with holy indifference.
CHAD
Right this way.
Your torment is ready.
And yes, the captions are on.
Accessibility is the
innovation engine.
Build for edge cases first; the mainstream will follow.
Meet my partners who are part of making the future inclusive.
Accessibility is the
innovation engine.
Build for edge cases first; the mainstream will follow.
Meet my partners who are part of making the future inclusive.
Accessibility is the
innovation engine.
Build for edge cases first;
the mainstream will follow.
Meet my partners who are part of making the future inclusive.
